June 18, 2020

Robert and I  don’t have any problems with communicating the basic ideas to each other. He can tell me (or write me) what he wants for dinner the following day. He can let me know that he plans to wash either dark, white, or colored clothes. He informs me about his plans for the next day (lately mostly walks in one of four open parks) while I can suggest simple changes to that schedule. He can alert me to the fact that milk, eggs, or tomato paste are in short supply and need to be purchased.  I can ask him to bring different objects from different places.  He follows my directions when he cleans bathrooms or when he cooks one of the four dishes. Our exchanges are simple and straightforward. They are like short line segments.

The problems arise when the multiple words are needed to address a new situation and flexibly adjust to new rules. To address such demand the words need to be strung into sentence. Maybe even compound or complex sentence.  There has to be “because” ,”if”, or “first (…) then” in the sentence.  Robert doesn’t use such sentences. He also has difficulties understanding that the words spoken by me should convince him to accept a new situation or a new rule. The past and current arrangements of our surrounding take precedence over feeble words.

However, the time and frequent repetitions can make a dent in the walls of habits. So it  is possible to prepare Robert for something which might happen in a few days.  Just telling Robert over and over what is going to happen in the near future (with some clarification regarding when and why) makes it easier for him to adjust to the anticipated change.  Still, there are no words that would convince Robert to accept unanticipated changes.

I bought a new frying pan and took the old one to a garage. I placed it on a shelf, clearly visible to anybody who would look for it. This was my way of starting discussion with Robert about what to do with the things I wanted to dispose off. I usually removed them from their established place but didn’t dare to throw them in the trashcan knowing that Robert would search the garbage diligently.  Placing an item in the garage was my opening position in negotiating the future of the pan. Soon, Robert let me know that he had a different idea. He found the pan, brought it back to the kitchen, placed it in  the oven, and  took the new pan to the garage.  That was his position. I stood my ground and switched the pans again.  So did Robert. So did I. On the third day Robert noticed that the handle of the old frying pan was loose. He assumed that this was the reason for my effort to get rid of the pan. So he insisted that his dad fixes the handle. “Screw, screw” he kept saying as he followed his dad with a pan and a screwdriver. Dad  told Robert that it could not be done as the screw didn’t have any indentation. Robert seemed to accept that response.  However, a few minutes later he came back and showed dad and me that handle wasn’t loose any more. We don’t know how Robert fixed it, but fix it did.

I needed a different approach. It was much simpler. I used the new (and  bigger)  frying pan to make Robert favorite foods: poblano or eggplant. Robert didn’t protest. But although he accepted the new pan, he wanted it to be permanently kept on the stove as as the space in the oven was occupied by the old frying pan. Soon, however, he relented. As more cooking was done on the stove, it became obvious that the new pan has to find another place and the stove was most appropriate. So, Robert agreed to put the old one in the hard to reach end at the bottom of the corner cabinet.  I hope that in a few weeks, he will forget about it and then I will throw it away.