Amanda exhausted almost all of her enthusiasm before we, her parents, finally agreed to go on an excursion to Peddocks Island. She found the needed information and bought the tickets. She drove us to Hingham and led us to the ferry. As the strong waves kept moving the boat up and down and side to side, Jan and I stayed glued to our seats. But not Robert. He moved around under the watchful eye of his sister. Finally, they both settled for the seats on the stern of the boat and stayed there until we reached the dock.

On the island we did what everybody else was doing. We walked. We looked at the ocean and the other islands of the Boston Harbor. We walked. We had a picnic. We walked. We fought off mosquitoes with a homemade remedy. We walked.

Amanda and Robert led the way. Jan was slightly behind. I was far behind. But from time to time Amanda and Robert stopped and waited for us to catch up with them.

It was the late afternoon; still a few hours before sunset. Nonetheless, I had the overwhelming feeling of walking into twilight. But it was our twilight, my husband’s and mine. Years ago, we were the ones who organized our trips. We bought tickets, made reservations, we drove, we watched Amanda and we watched Robert. We wanted to show our children whatever we could to enlarge their horizons and exposed them to experiences hoping that they would better adjust to the unpredictable world. But mostly, we wanted to make them happy.

Now, Amanda took those responsibilities upon herself. She wanted her aging parents to not succumb to the narrowing of their world. She wanted to recreate experiences from the past but with partial switch of the roles. However, when they were children, both parents took her of them. Now, she was the only one watching over her aging parents and the autistic brother.

And that broke my heart as I realized that I have to worry about both my children. Taking care of Robert, although often rewarding, was never easy. Moreover, it was overwhelming if not consuming.

It is not what I wanted for Amanda.

No, not at all.

.